Wow…this womens online Bible study continues to amaze me! We just finished reading week six of Lies Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Last week as we discussed God’s priorities for women, the conversation heated up here at the Womens Bible Cafe™. Some of you agreed with the author, while others felt angry and uncomfortable with her. Others sent me private emails and I was deeply touched by your comments. Most evident from last week’s discussion is that Nancy Leigh DeMoss has us stepping outside our comfort zones. We examined our priorities and see if they’re in alignment with Scripture. This week the lesson continues as we discuss lies we’ve believed about marriage.
(image: Unsplash)
We now realize that marriage “was designed by God to reflect His glory and His redemptive purposes” as Nancy writes in chapter six. This is not an invitation to choose the meanest, smelliest, most offensive man you can find….marry him…and then say…Lord, show me the glory! The point of this week’s lesson is to encourage those who struggle and wonder why their marriages are not overflowing with joyfulness. “Happiness is not found in any relationship. True joy can only be found through Christ,” says Nancy.
If we depend on our husband for joy, then we’re likely to place him on a throne and pressure him to continue serving us. He’ll quickly become an idol. We are reminded in Scripture not to place anything above God as an idol, including our husbands. God meets all our needs, not our husbands.
We also learned to allow God to change our husband’s heart and stop trying to “fix” our men. In the book Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch in Marriage
Finally, we learned about submission from a spiritual perspective. We’re reminded to submit to God’s will and remain obedient to the Father, unless your life is in danger from an abusive husband. I’ve often recommended the book How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong
- Choose to LOVE………………..rather than hate
- Choose to SMILE………………rather than frown
- Choose to BUILD………………rather than destroy
- Choose to PERSEVERE………rather than quit
- Choose to PRAISE…………….rather than gossip
- Choose to HEAL……………….rather than wound
- Choose to GIVE………………..rather than grasp
- Choose to ACT…………………rather than delay
- Choose to FORGIVE………….rather than curse
- Choose to PRAY………………rather than despair.”
My grandparents modeled perseverance in marriage and so I asked why their marriage was so successful. My Grandpa said, “Each morning when I get out of bed, the first words out of my mouth are ‘I’m sorry.’ I know I’ll do something during the day to offend her, so I start my day with an apology.”- Christine Abraham
Safety Note
On page 69 of the Companion Guide Nancy writes “If physical danger or abuse is involved, a woman should seek protection, direction, and intervention from the appropriate civil and/or spiritual authorities, rather than attempting to handle the situation on her own.”
Assignment For Next Week
- Pray for the women who are doing this study with you.
- Read Chapter Seven in your book and companion guide.
- Look at the list of Key Resources on page 269 for topics addressed in this book
- Check in with your Small Group Leader
Have a great week…share what you are learning with others as you grow in truth!
God is good…always!
Share my thoughts on the lesson: To be honest, being single this chapter did nothing for me. I’ve read all the other chapters more than once, but after reading this chapter one time, I never looked at it again. I’m just being honest, I couldn’t relate to this chapter at all.
Always a great reminder to myself to be a helper. I think of myself as a capable and intelligent woman. But I so desire to be that proverbs 31 virtuous woman. As I read I was reminded of a quote I wrote in my bible from Beth Moore from a conference years ago. “submission is ducking so God can hit your husband” 🙂
Wow there was so much in this lesson that spoke to me. Lately I think I’ve been selfish and wrapped up in the “he doesn’t do this or that.” Last night God reminded me of being a servant and being thankful for the little things. I was kind of upset that everyone got up from dinner and left me to clean the mess. I started to get angry “why can’t he help.” Then God told me to turn around. I looked into the living room and he was there playing with our kids. My heart began to soften. The enemy spoke again “yes but your doing all the work and he’s playing games.” SO WHAT! I responded. He’s being a good dad. He was holding our sick baby and playing a game with the older two. That right there is a lot to be thankful for and I am guilty of not seeing that most times.
My advice to a single woman would be 1. being married doesn’t make you happy. If your not happy and content with you before you get married then getting married will not change that. It’s hard to be married, it takes a lot of work. Also that from my experience (not just with finding a mate) it’s seems best to not get to obsessed about it. Breakthroughs often happen when we sit back and stop thinking about it all the time.
For the woman who is married and is not happy. Well I think that’s where I am so it would be hard to give advice for that. Right now what I learned is that I need to be more like Jesus. Oddly enough this is what I had decided at the beginning of the year. Sometimes we get so caught up in the legistics and the ritual we forget what really serving Christ is. Jesus said the greatest commandements were to love the Lord your God with all your heart with all your soul and with all your mind. The second love your neighbor as yourself. Neighbor includes husband, Neighbor includes children. Maybe I don’t have the strength to do it all, in fact I know I don’t. But that’s where God’s power steps in and helps up soar. He’s the one who gives us strength to love unselfishly.
What biblical counsel would you give to a woman who says her husband is not making her happy? The Bible says to seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added on to you. If we’re not happy with God, we can never be happy with our husband.
I believe that many churches have been “churches of women” because we have to be in control. In some denominations, men have just stepped back and let the women handle it.
My husband and I have been married 41 years. I learned as a young wife that I could not “change” him. But, God has been working in us both all of these years. We have recently moved into a brand new denomination, filled with vibrant and active men and women. It has totally transformed our spiritual life and enriched our marriage! What a blessing!
Share my thoughts on this lesson:
I was not a happy camper when I read this lesson as I felt that this lesson does not apply to all marriages. I was married for 22 years to an abusive husband and I tried all I could to make it work. I left for a few months then went back as he promised hehad changed and he had not. Yes the physical abuse stopped bu the emotional and mental abuse was worse. You can put your hands up to block physical but the emotional and mental abuse enters your mind and believe me I stil live with someof those issues. I begged God for answers and ways for me to change and for Him to touch my husband´s heart but to no avail. I finally could not take anymore and my husband was having an affair with a 20 year old girl. He had had numberous affairs and I felt it was time to leave and with God as my guide I did leave. I moved away and I have since married a wonderful Godly man. Yes we have had our struggles but we talk about things and I have no fear of retaliation of anything I may say as we are open and honest with each other. I no longer feel threatened with physical, emotional, or mental violence. I do not believe that God wannts us to live in fear of our lives and in fear of our mates. I walked too many years on egg shells as to not start a fight or cause any friction. I know God made marriage for His glory but my first marriage was not that way and my second marriage is. I praise God ofr second chances.
girl is not easy for someone to judge someone to be in a abusive relationship. Im in one now and let me tell you something i had get authority involved enough is enough i pray to god every day to help forgive and not hate the person but is not easy someone that wants to bring someone down with them while in a realtionship is not worth it
Bless you. I can feel your mature Christian spirit through your post. I wish your first marriage had been different. But it was not. It made me smile to know your second was different.
From a bibilical stand point, I would share with a woman who is struggling in her marriage to take on a servant’s heart and attitude asking for nothing in return. As an internal check she could ask herself, ” Do I treat the people at work better than I treat my husband?” If the answer is yes, then why? In some cases, sin is at the root of the issue. So her next step should be repentance.
However, I have also found that their are many of us in and outside of the church, who dont’ respect marriage, we demean it, abuse it, and have no regard to the fact that it is a sacred and holy covenant with God.
I have been one to always try to “fix” things. I have learned, even more through this study, that I am not responsible for everyone’s behavior, including my husband’s. I must love him, encourage him, support him, and do my best to show him how God works in my life. My prayer is that he will someday join me in my incredible journey with God.
I learned this week my thoughts on submission was all wrong. I thought since he doesn’t walk with God I didn’t have to submit to him. Then I see that submitting is loving and respecting my husband this I have always done. Then when I got this figured out I see I am trying to be the one to change him but it isn’t my place it is God’s and He is the one that has control over everything. This study has been an amazing journey for me .
Share my thoughts about this lesson,
I could definitely be more submissive. I am going to try to do things to help my spouse more. We work opposite shifts and hardly ever see one another. I am going to try my hardest not to gripe about housework not getting done. Spending quality time with our children is more important.
I had a hard time wih this chapter. I’m not sure how take the part that my role is to be my husband’s helper and to be submissive to him. I think our marriage is successful because we both submit to each other. I felt like this chapter tried to pigeon hole us as women. We need to stay home and cook,clean or we are not fulfilling God’s word. I have a good friend in a very happy marriage where she is a doctor and the husband stays home with the children. They both submit different things for the well being of their family. It doesnt matter what we submit as long as it is done with the other persons best interest in mind. I think the key is if you always put the other persons needs above yours then both people feel happy and respected. This includes the man putting his wife’s needs above his at times. The chapter seemed to make it one way,where the wife always gives into the man and I have a hard time with that.
It’s funny, when I was first married I was very stubborn and always wanted to ” win” the argument. After a while you start to realize that there is no winner or loser,you just let go. The more I let go and gave in the more my husband gave in too.
2. You shouldn’t look for a husband to feel “whole” you should be whole with God and yourself, and then you will be guided to the right person.
4. I am not a married person, so at first I was really ready to skip and/or disregard this chapter. But I have been in a companionship for almost 6 years now, and there were a lot of things in this chapter that after adjusting I could make relate to my current relationship status. So rather than tossing out this chapter, I was able to embrace the overall message.
In trying to determine what to share about this week’s lesson, I can honestly say I have mixed feelings. This chapter was the hardest to read through, in fact I skipped around & finally ended up focusing more on the end of the chapter; I read through scripture verses attached to each “Truth.” It seemed like Nancy was tettering between pop psychology & the Word at times. The first couple sections did not have scripture verses, which was rather disappointing. But things picked up & she started referencing verses in subsequent sections. Some of the verses used (end section: The Lie vs The Truth) did not seem revelant to the “Truth” statments (in my opinion). Loved Psalm 27:14 in the section that hit home most for me (Lie #25). Also commend Nancy for tackling “divorce” & challenging our society’s common thinking, even in the religious world. Was pretty neat to read the single sentences from the woman who went from deception to truth, at the end of the Lie #26. Appreciate the statements that followed the bullet “I would say to a married woman” (pg 161)…definitely stuff to chew on!
I was encouraged this past week. I have been constantly reminded this week that it is my choice to be full of joy and be glad. The Lord has made every single day (this is the day the Lord has made), and I will rejoice and be glad. I am enjoying this study, although it’s not always easy at first. I feel like I have to go back several times and figure things out for my own understanding. However, I have been mulling over the concept of submission for years. I think I’m at the pinnacle of understanding, regarding my role within my family. I have been working very hard at letting go and doing my job, not my husband’s. My household is much more peaceful. I think that my husband and I are even kinder toward each other. For me, I find it liberating that I am a “helper”. I’m so glad that I don’t have to do it all! That’s exhausting work that leaves me feeling resentful. I’d much rather be free and I feel that way.
This week’s study really helped me to understand how I have tried to control and be responsible for my husband all these years. I’m trying to keep in the forefront of my mind that it is God’s job, not mine. As Andi said, it is helping me to see my husband through a different set of lenses. I have to step back numerous times during the day and let God do his work. This study is definitely helping me to turn to scripture in every area of my life and I think that is the answer to all of the questions this week. No matter your marital status, your happiness, contentment, every area of your life is enhanced by God. And we can find his guidance through thoughtful study and love of scripture!
1. To a married woman who says that her husband is not making her happy, I would say that she is looking to the wrong person; only God will make her truly happy, and that no one person can make someone happy 100% of the time. To think otherwise is setting ourselves up for failure, and makes the other person feel like they can never be enough.
2. To a single woman who is not content being unmarried, I would say to focus on what she can do for God and to trust that he will provide her with a husband if and when the time is right.
4. I had difficulty as well wtih this week’s lesson. Again, I didn’t disagree wth most of it, just the implementation of it. For example, how should a wife submit and let her husband be the initiator when she is effectively functioning as a single parent half of the time due to military service? I went looking for resources to this effect and found only things like “let the husband be the decision maker via email”, when that’s not a realistic solution due to the nature of the job. I understand the point of the chapter on my marriage but then it seems we’re constantly changing “who’s making the decision today”? leading to confusion everywhere.
I agree. I also have an active duty husband and there is little direction for us from mainstream churches or base churches. It’s unfortunate because it seems that even our religious leaders are detached from the reality of a nation at war.
I can recommend this to you though if he is not deployed. Here is a link:
http://www.theartofmarriageops.org/
Also, here is a note from a friend of mine from church on her FB page:
As far as the FamilyLife “Weekend to Remember”: All active duty military get in free. People no longer in the military but who have been deployed within the last 18 month can get in free also. If you would like to contribute to these military scholarships, go to this website.
if you can get away then these courses are fabulous. Also, there has been such an increase in military family divorces it is a silent crisis. Look into this. I am trying to convince my husband to go. We are happy together but we seem on different pages right now.
Thank you for sharing this Susan! 🙂
Thanks Susan!
#3. In the beginning of our marriage, my husband made a lot of bad decisions. So I felt that I couldn’t let him lead, that I had to constantly try and change his decisions. Even when he had repented and asked me to forgive him for not being the godly huband and father he was supposed to be, it was very hard for me to let him lead. He even told me that I said I wanted him to lead, but I wasn’t letting him. So, I finally started praying for him for wisdom and discernment for our family. I would stil lend my opinion, but in a more respectful way and reassured him that I would back him up no matter what he decided. Wow has God done a work in our family! My husband is now a very strong leader for our family. I love that we can talk things out. I can share my opinion or concerns and be confident that my husband will make decisions based on God’s word and prayer. Praise the Lord!
What biblical counsel would you give to a woman who says her husband is not making her happy?
I would listen and pray with her and then ask this woman if she is spending time in bible study, prayer and seeking the Lord. I have been there where she is at right now. I would tell her about this bible study and what I learned from going through the lessons. I would share with her that no person or relationship can make you happy but it is to glorify and have joy in the Lord. Joy seems permanent rather than happiness which is more temporal. This book had not been published when I got married but I would highly recommend it now to other women.
Share a blessing you’ve experience from submitting,or a consequence from not submitting.
Last Sunday, my husband was asked to do the offering for the second time, and did a devotion on giving. They usually give the person the responsibility on how to approach it. In the past, he has been a worship leader, and he wanting to do some singing in addition. But he was told that they would handle the singing. He was really hurt. Again, he wanted to do the same thing and I forgot to tell him please pray to sing or not. Instead, God told me to pray for my husband to use godly wisdom and discernment, and God told him the same thing and he didn’t sing. I realize that God wanted me to not say anything but to let Him handle the situation and He did. I wonder how many times it would have been better to pray for my husband and not make a comment and let God handle it.
Share your thoughts about this week’s lesson.
Sometimes it was hard to listen and be open to this chapter. But the Lord was telling me to be open and let Him direct and guide me.
What can free us from the drive to control the men in our lives? We must learn to wait on the Lord; in His time, and in His way, He will act on behalf of those who wait for him. Psalm 27:14 (KJV)
First paragraph on page 156.
I could identify with the lady on letting God lead my husband to salvation. Too long I took this task on myself and all he did was shutdown. Now, I rely on pray using Matthew 21:22
“And whatever things you ask in prayer, believing you will receive.”
I realize that sometime I put a lot of pressure in my husband to love God like a love God. This week lesson taught me to pray for him and let God complete his work. 1 Peter 3:3-6 I pray for God to give me a gentle and quiet spirit in my life. Amen
I am totally with you. I want my husband to be as excited about God as I am… I am also praying for the gentle and quiet spirit.
This was a good/hard chapter and all I can say is I am thankful for God’s grace & mercy that He gives freely to me moment by moment, day by day, year by year. Marriage is not easy, and Satan does not want any marriages (especially Christian) to last, NEVERTHELESS my God is greater, and I know that He has sustained mine – many times in spite of me!!!
What I would say to any woman faced with unhappiness in their lives, be it through a husband or lack thereof….. Seek the Lord for your life. He has an individual plan & purpose for each of us. His promises are true, but we cannot seek the world and ask for His blessings on that – we must seek Him & be ready to obey, change – do whatever He might show you needs to be dealt with to align with His will for your life. And His will is so much better than any momentary happiness that we think we may want or need to live the life we are supposed to have. The adventures He has planned for each of us are so much greater than anything that we could plan or hope for,(scheme or manipulate – oops, did I really say that) but it does take our letting go & letting Him take the reins. I can say this because I’ve lived on both sides of this fence.
1.What biblical counsel would you give to a woman who says her husband is not making her happy? To look to God as the source of her happiness.
2.What biblical counsel would you give to a single woman who is not content without a husband? That again, look to God as the source of your happiness. No person can be that for you. Trust God.
4.Share your thoughts about I let my husband be the leader of our house and make our big decisions and trust he takes my ideas and thoughts into consideration. He doesn’t like going to church though, although he does lead prayer time at home before bed with our son and says grace before dinner. I have taken the road that I do not want to “force” him to go to church so I guess I just need to continue praying God will change his heart toward church so our family can go together. I have not taken the reins from him on this decision and the resulting situation is we rarely go to church as a family.
What biblical counsel would you give to a woman who says her husband is not making her happy?
I would tell her to put her trust in God and ask him to help her with her husband and help her to be more understanding.
What biblical counsel would you give to a single woman who is not content without a husband?
She needs to look to God for the answer, God is the only one who can help her with this problem in her life. He knows if she should or should not marry.
Share a blessing you’ve experience from submitting,or a consequence from not submitting.
I been married once before I married the wonderful man in my life now. When he asked me to marry him I prayed to God and asked if this was meant to be for me to remarry and he answer my prayer by sending him to me in dead of winter to take me and make me his wife and I never been happier than I am now. We been married now for 24 years this month.
Share your thoughts about this week’s lesson.
This week’s lesson open my eyes to the fact I do most of the decision making in our home and it should be the other way around. Even though he is disable he should be the one making the decision but he is happy letting me do them as it is easier as I know what has to be done and he is contented to letting me do these things.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well..
This verse is for single women, married women–all women and men. It covers everything and every question. Seek God first.
As for chapter 6, some of Nancy’s answers were too simplistic as mentioned by other posters. I have a very good friend who is a wonderful Christian woman. She has stayed 20 plus years in a loveless and abusive marriage. Her husband cheated on her and squandered all their money. He has a gambling problem and a problem with seeking out other women. This friend has tried and tried and tried to seek counseling, therapy, patience, Godly advice. When is enough enough? Should she continue to live in such a situation even though her husband has left her penniless and sick from his bad behavior. I’m sorry but I just can’t believe that God would want that. I can’t and won’t believe that the man should be the head of the household when he is pursuing his own sinful wishes and desires. I disagree with Nancy on this. I do believe that some women and men give up way to easily in marriage ie the reason for the high divorce rate. But this friend of mine did all she could. I am happy for her that she is finally free of this man. Her children are grown so that is no longer an issue.
This chapter was difficult. I have been married before and not proud of the fact that I turned to divorce as the answer. My ex was not and is still not a good person in many ways. I also had a small child to think about. I have since remarried and even though we have had our tough times we both share a love for God, our family, and of course each other. I cannot fathom my child being constantly exposed to the relationship that me and my ex had. I had to stop the cycle and show him what a true family and marriage is supposed to look like so that he can have the same. I find it hard to believe that I did wrong by leaving him. I knew that this chapter was coming and was hoping that I would find some peace by reading it but I have not. I still to this day have guilt about the divorce and just want it to go away!
I would tell any woman that is not content without a husband that God will bless her with her soul mate when he feels she is ready. I would tell her that she needs to not try so hard to make it happen in “her time” and wait for God to bring him to her.
What biblical counsel would you give to a woman who says her husband is not making her happy?
I recently had to deal with this. This woman is a Christian and her heart was so hard for her husband. All I could do was pray for her. Being a Christian for so long she had every verse that made is sound OK with what she was doing. (having an affair). This is tough when it really happens. Every situation is different. It ended up that I needed to separate myself from her. I could not be a part of her affair.
What biblical counsel would you give to a single woman who is not content without a husband?
To be in God’s word every day. God is the only one that can make us whole. A husband cannot.
Share your thoughts about this week’s lesson.
Marriage is hard. It is even harder when you are in business together. This year my husband and I will be celebrating 10 years together. I give God the glory for this…We have been through many life struggles and I look back and realized that only God could have kept us together in the toughest of times.
Share your thoughts about this lesson
Like others I had some hard times with this chapter. My husband and I just were just discussing whether you have to agree with the whole book or can you agree to disagree on certain topics.
As someone who grew up with domestic violence in my life, I am/was not going to put up with it as an adult. I think the word that sent me over the edge was – there are extreme situation where an obedient wife may need to remove herself. The situation doesn’t need to be extreme. And in that case, I will not maintain an attitude of reverence her his position. The police are called and I am out. End of story.
Lie 25 has been pretty much the only issue we have had since we were 17 years old. He doesn’t worry or stress. Because of how I grew up – that’s all I do. That’s why I started attending church two years ago. It’s the reason I am doing this study.
We are not a traditional family. I work and he stays home (works part time at night) – it works for our family. I am glad that one of us can be home with them.